The most blissful of moments attract a prolonged chase of that never ending high of “wish that could just be felt twice.”
Pursuant you a period that might have been so toxic because the growth from it was so detrimental (or maybe that’s just me).
I know, I know date I stutter any trace of 2017 (so taboo) but here goes nothing....
In 2017 and prior, much of my existence was so tied to so many: obligatory, emotionally, physically, barely romantic, but mainly; soulfully.
A taste and habit that so badly needed channeling. A bounding to the self-love and growth that’d been missing. My fear of disappointing or tarnishing my image of dependency to every single tie is where I lost the greatest suit: to myself.
In this new year I vowed to untether all bearings. Any to who brought overpowering compulsory, all who toxified my heart into feeling there was more deserved, and over-apologetically to the ones that got lost in me.
My depth is far more gaping than any are willing to treasure. To know me is to feel subtly engulfed by the eternal homage.
Romantically to most, it becomes frightening. To the misunderstanders, the appearance seems annoyingly in touch with myself emotionally.
I possess a deeper correspondence and understanding of myself that is either incognizant or customary to my erstwhile existence.
To those disoriented; I apologize. Not in an expression of regret, but a pardon to my paradigm. I am no good with the ones that intend to be kept. The ones that keep me on my toes, they fuel this fervor within me.
Some twisted thought of: the ones inimical exude emotional requirement from me, displayed by an attitude to a disposable surrounding.
The “keepers” want to possess me, but do not emit that sense of necessity to alleviating distinctive flaws due to intentions of purity.
These tethers are ones to suffocate me whole. But who is to actually blame except the host? The one that remained dormant while being drowned.
Eventually to become what she allows. For someone who feels and feeds off emotions so easily, product to the morbid bindings she would overtake.
An internal stupefied state to augment.
Unlike any way I have ever felt before, ... or not felt.
You catch my drift.
-t
