It could have all been so simple.
I mutter under my breath to myself.
I could have been born with endless privilege.
I could have been born into a body much larger & stronger.
I could have stayed in that one relationship & been married with babies by now.
I could have moved out of the country and lived a life full of solidarity.
But should I have?
As previously mentioned, nothing in my world is coincidental.
Everything I am and have endured, has educated me.
I could have married that man.
I could have fought harder for that other one.
I could still live a quiet life.
But should I?
Every heart break started to feel like home.
Felt so familiar that I ran towards the feeling before anyone else could banish me there.
It has been a productive workout up until this point, but I still feel very bent out of shape and my endurance has never been a strength.
The perseverance is there.
The desire is sudden.
The loyalty is undying.
But I am caught between finishing the race already and waiting for an Uber to take me much further than the finish line.
How do I explain that I do not want to be reminded of what I can visually see through my mirrored reflection, yet still wish to be valued by actions and unwarranted selfless gestures?
My bad days should not be “comforted” with the harmonization of its lousiness.
But there I go again with expectations.
Is it wrong to expect treatment that has once been received?
Let me reword that, is it unfair to desire to be treated the way another had treated me?
Thoughtfulness cannot be taught.
In fact, if it has to be vocalized, it feels commanded or brings on an overwhelming amount of guilt for not just appreciating what I do have.
Wish I may, wish I might.
When will I end this internal fight?