Every outing just brings an energy of lonely people in crowded rooms.
A lot of Leave Me “Aloners” who are afraid of being just that.
We took advantage of each other emotionally and preyed on each other’s vulnerabilities.
Less toxic version of an arrangement I had years prior. A familiar feeling that I have been so resistant to succumbing to.
So much that a seemingly pure hearted new beau did not fulfill the same appetite.
He spoke to me as if I were a work of art.
Not in a cheesy way, but in a genuine matter.
Proud and full of honor that I would grace a single night’s rest in his newly constructed bedroom.
He loved me more than he loved himself on most days.
How he was feeling, (physically and emotionally) was an adopted mundaneness that had became clockwork.
But he never allows the opportunity for me to genuinely nurture his feelings.
“Thank you, sweetheart but you don’t need to worry about that” he reverberates.
The frequency in our communication became routine that more than one day of silence sparked apprehension.
Being a writer himself, the art of persuasion, confusion and elusively evading the focal topic for confrontation frustrated each other when communicating.
Everything was cat-mouse, but he usually let me believe I was right only because he did not want to exercise the energy of pointless back and forth.
I tried ridiculously hard to avoid exploration to feeling further than platonic.
Deep down, I knew it existed but...
screw that.
The path to attachment never ends well.
Until he confidently took his life back.
He would still never allow the opportunity for me to feel sorry for him, to worry about him, or let alone perform a single nice gesture.
I wanted to squeeze him forever until all of that pain and hurt, disintegrated.
There was a lot of curses to our friendship from the moment we met, that inflicted constant PTSD.
Imagine one person that provided and stripped the happiest, most loving moments.
Now imagine, never wanting to love again.
Now imagine, wanting to forget that person existed in your world.
And finally, imagine
the only new person to ignite such a similar spark within you.....
Carrying the same. first. name.
Wow.
it is like the devil took a hike, hoping we would exercise our demons.
Of all the vices, I wanted to feel yours more than twice.
And no matter how much you reassure me of our emotional congruency,
my actions will always speak the loudest for you.
-t
