Have you ever let something go or pushed someone away with the self-reassurance that it, he or she would never actually stray far?
*pause* ask yourself.
Have you ever counseled that same person to stray & love the next better than they ever loved you?
*pause once more*
But have you ever meant it?
*now, let that resonate*
Now, think about having to witness the same advice unfold in front of your accidental eyes.
Minding your own social media business, when there “they” are.
He is giving her the love you so hoped he would run back to give.
External happiness for the impact of my words resonated, yet slightly crushed.
Our “how did we get here” sitcom to transition to a very lonely spinoff featuring every young Bieber ballad.
An obligatory ‘Congratulations’ followed by double finger guns or like, an awkward ‘Thanks for joining my Ted Talk.’
Like every “resolutioner”, the positive reinforcement to neither ‘digress my energy on people of the week ago past’ nor ‘think thoughts of anyone I promised to leave on the Eve of the predecessing year’ is feeling slowly further from my finger-tipped reach.
“Was her heart more sincere than mine?”
Of course not.
“Did the reciprocation in how I felt not render or translate as much as hers does?”
There’s no way!
“When you thanked me for not being super clingy, was that reverse psychology in hopes I would be?”
Doubtful.
At some point in this process, I had to be brutally honest with myself.
It is possible that her insides felt more warm than mine.
It is possible she may secure him in ways I never had the opportunity to.
But do i really mean that?
Each New Year celebration to knowingly set my tone for the 364 days to follow.
This year will be a period of what most would consider lonely, yet I translate to being focused and prosperous.
The status of my relationship to not change.
Not on some Big Sean “i don’t f_ck with you” motto, but a John Mayer type cockiness.
“Because I don’t belong to anyone, nobody belongs to me.”
But if “my” kinda love is what he sought in Her..
I hold confidence in my shaky voice that He will never experience that twice.
New Year, New...
Get well, instead.
-t